YESTERDAY FIANNA FÁIL TD Anne Rabbitte stood up in the Dáil and claimed that teenagers around Ireland are sucking on oranges that have been “frozen with vodka” before heading into teenage discos.

“I see the oranges being handed over that have been frozen with vodka, so they can suck on the oranges as they are standing there,” she said.  ”I am talking about second and third-year discos.”

Okay, wow. This is a lot to take in. We have a few questions, deputy.

1. Firstly, this seems like an incredibly inefficient and time-consuming way to get a little bit pissed. Are teenagers really this desperate/unable to source alcohol?

Isn’t it far more likely and logical that teens are consuming/sourcing alcohol the old-fashioned way i.e. by convincing older teenagers to buy them drink or raiding their parents’ cabinets?

2. Supposing that the teenagers are indeed sucking on alcohol-infused citrus fruits… why are they going to the hassle of preparing vodka-laced oranges and not just, you know, drinking the vodka?

This all seems very convoluted.

Are we really to believe that there are loads of budding Heston Blumenthals soaking oranges in vodka and freezing them because that’s somehow preferable to taking a slug from a naggin?

Pedestrian Pedestrian

3. Or are there vodka-laced orange dealers selling to teenagers in Rabbitte’s native Galway?

Are there Walter Whites and Jesse Pinkmans buying up oranges in supermarkets and lacing them with vodka in caravans out in the middle of nowhere before selling them on to unsuspecting teenagers?

Here, kid – want an orange soaked in vodka? €5.

Frank Ockenfels / AMC Frank Ockenfels / AMC / AMC

4. Where do the teenagers suck on these alcoholic oranges? Is it a case of smuggling them in their bag and locking themselves in a toilet cubicle to suck out that sweet, sweet vodka?

Bouncer: “Girls, why are your handbags full of satsumas?”

Cunning youths: “We just want to make sure we’re getting our daily allowance of Vitamin C.” *winks*

Giphy Giphy

5. Do we really trust the young people of Ireland to have access to marinade injectors?

‘Tis far from marinade injectors we were raised…

Leaf.tv Leaf.tv

6. Is Galway populated with loads of baby Errol Flynns?

:/

Diffords Guide Diffords Guide

7. Finally, is this just some kind of elaborate April Fool’s joke?

We just can’t trust anyone anymore.

DailyEdge.ie has contacted Anne Rabbitte for comment, but she has yet to respond. We will keep you updated if she does.

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